Happy Easter to all and what not

Today I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with God.  It's ups, it's downs, and it's roundy rounds.  I can't understand that depth of the love that is given to me each and every day.  It is unquestioning and honest.  If the person that I loved ignored me, turned away from me, and did not listen to a thing that I whispered to them I know that I could not continue to love them.  My self preservation would not allow me to continue to put my heart out there.  I am so very thankful for second, third, and fourth chances because I am a total screw up sometimes but God already knows that.    

Now let me pop in this little disclaimer:  Everyone has their own beliefs and I am not here to convince anyone.  I believe that everyone has a right to their own decisions.  I don't care who, what, or if you worship and I don't care who you love.  Everyone has the right to be happy and how you get there is your business.  I am in no way high enough on the food chain to judge and know that I have a closet full of skeletons that need to stay right where they are.  Tucked away nice and cozy behind the clothes that I swear I will be able to wear again someday.

Anyway...

Our Easter was really low key this year.  It was a beautiful day.  Scott and I took a motorcycle ride, hunted Easter eggs, and the kids played at the park while Scott and I cooked dinner.  During dinner we talked about what Easter was really about and the discussion turned to pagan holidays.  It was a deep discussion for a table of people ages 7 - 41.  

So even though we did not go to church today God was here with us and my kids know what Easter is really about and about the sacrifice that Jesus gave for us to have the choices we have today.    

(p.s.  this guy drives me nuts sometimes but I kinda like him)

Oh that sweet "AHA!" moment

Isn't it strange how all at once everything that could go wrong, does go wrong?  I wonder why that is...  Does life wake up one day and say, "Let's see how strong she really is.  I wonder if she will fall today?" 

I know that reads like I am super special, and sometimes I pretend I am, but I realize that everyone has their crappy times.

There are so many things going crazy not only in my life but in the world today.  The President, Congress, birth certificates, gun control, gay and lesbian rights, and North Korea.

Call me crazy but to me

North Korea + Nuclear Weapons = WAKE UP CALL!

I would like to be able to tell you that I am a well prepared, responsible, always planning for the future kinda gal. 

I'm not.

I am starting over emotionally, financially, and physically.  This time in my life is tough.  Getting past the old, accepting the new, starting from the ground up in finances... it can really stress a girl out.  Add to that people who constantly question your decisions and well...

"I'm a little tea pot short and stout.  Here is my handle and I really want to knock you out."

After these last couple of weeks I had an "AHA!" moment.  I am doing what I can to handle what I have going on.  I am working hard and trying to clean up the messes that starting over can cause. 

This morning God answered me with this...

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2

No good very bad day...

Today was the kind of day that you wouldn't wish on the worst person you know.  However, this day was brought to you by one of the worst people I know.  Free from commercial interruptions and everything!  

It was a bunch of yuckiness piled into a bucket of rotten goo.  The only thing that made this day better is that my son would try to change the Heavens and stars if he thought I needed it.  My daughter wrote me a note saying, "I am a brat.  Yes or No." because she has been having so much trouble getting along with others lately.  I have a husband who tells me that he loves me.  ( I am a bit hard to love sometimes)  I have 4 big boys who will eat anything I put in front of them.  Even the pot-o-crap I made tonight.  Yep, you read that right, I threw a bunch of crap in a pot and that was supper.

    

Today may have been a bad day but I get another chance tomorrow.

Just doing some baking

This weekend has been a busy one.  I had an order for a birthday cake and Aidan competed in District Wrestling.  I will share more on the wrestling in the next post but I wanted to share this before the weekend ended.

Easy button? WHERE ARE YOU?

This has been a very trying week.  My daughter is having a difficult time adjusting to being a part of two different households.  This reminded me that sometimes...

Life is...

You see, her dad and I are divorced.  We were married for 19 years, so all of her little life Tyeler and her brother have had one mom and one dad.  My heart breaks because they are having to live a life like that. 

One that isn't the stereotypical  "American Dream".

So Tyeler went from having one dad, one mom, and one brother to: 

2 dads

2 moms

6 brothers

2 sisters

I can see where that is overwhelming for a little person.  To be honest, sometimes it is overwhelming for this big person.  Balancing life has become much more trying and difficult and I can only imagine what she is feeling.  I have always encouraged my kids to be open and honest about what they are feeling.  I try to encourage her to talk but I am not sure that she knows how to put it into words.    

Yesterday was a break down day.  I cried all day long.  Thinking about it now makes the lump rise in my throat.  My baby girl is confused and I am not sure how to help her.  The stresses of daily life and the constant balancing act is consuming us both and I do not know how to ease our fears.  I do not have any concrete "yes or no" answers.  All I can do now is be the mother that I have always been to her and show her that through change comes wonderful possibilities.

I love her so much.

 



TV for a day

In December I got onto a documentary kick and started watching food documentaries.  Like all day long, sitting there watching Netflix.  I found out some really interesting things though... yes tv educated me for a day.  Did I mention that I sat in front of the tv all day long? 

I found out that big government is shutting down small dairies due to non compliance in producing.  The non compliance is the farmers refusal to over process their milk.  These small farms and dairies are in no way a competitor for big business. 

These farms operate and sell to:

1. individuals who are allergic to processed milk

or

2. food/farmers co-ops. 

Yeah that's going to take a lot of money away from big business.  There was one account of a SWAT team of armed FBI officers stormed into the home of a woman and held her family at gun point.  All of this for unpasteurized milk and cheese? 

Nice to see my tax dollars at work there Mr. Government. 

The documentaries that really stood out for me were FOOD, Inc, Forks over Knives, and Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. 

FOOD, Inc is about how our food is pumped full of growth hormones so that we can get that big ole chicken breast at the supermarket and the horrible living conditions these animals live in.  

ForksOver Knives is about how a diet that consists of mostly animal products, ie: meat, milk, eggs, and how it destroys your body and causes a lot of ailments that can be avoided by eating a plant based diet.

 

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead is about a man named Joe who decides that he has had enough of feeling terrible and being overweight.  So he consults his doctors and goes on a juice fast.  Below is a link to hulu where you can watch this documentary for free.

       http://www.hulu.com/#!watch/289122

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead really got me thinking about what you actually have to consume in order to live.  Joe drank nothing but juice for 30+ days.  30+ days!  The other documentaries opened my eyes as to how food is raised and what is put into our food before we get it into our homes.  Now don't get carried away.  I am not giving up meat.  However, I am introducing more plants into what I serve and am more careful about the meat I buy.  

FYI: I started my juice fast today and I am super grumpy. SUPER grumpy.  

It's all in the wrist

Personal growth is hard.  Plain and simple.  There isn't a "fad diet" approach to reevaluating your life and truly growing as a person.  It is so easy to sit and think about all that you don't have in life.  Heck you have commercials and ads telling you everyday that you aren't pretty enough, you aren't a good enough mom because you don't make everything your child needs and wants, or you are an irresponsible person because you don't recycle, reuse, reduce every single day.

I can't compete with that! 

One day I just decided to stop.  Stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to look perfect.  For 18 years I tried to be the perfect wife and mother.  I tried to have activity packets for the kids, regulate tv time, eat the right foods.  Well that got me nothing but a big fat divorce and a big ole "STARTOVER" sign.  A divorce leaves you with a feeling of Lewis and Clark only it's you, alone, lost in the world.  It takes awhile to find yourself and for me I had to go back to what I knew before in order to find out who I am now.  I felt that claustrophic feeling of control and decided...

You know what?!  I can live life the way I want to.  Simple, yet effective.

This fits the way I want to live...

 

And I recycle when my 7 year old daughter reminds me.  Reduce by not buying a lot of plastic bottles.  Reuse what works for my house.  Now I do have a bit of OCD and believe that everything has it's place, but I refuse to let that rule my life.  Well, rule it completely...

In a sense I have adapted the skills of a beauty queen.  Yes the world is "falling apart" around me but I will continue to 

"Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, touch your pearls and blow a kiss"

 

Check out this video from the Wendy Williams show where Kristin Chenoweth shows us how to wave Southern Style!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVrwuiPOhMY

It's a big ole pile of...



Most days I try to see the good, be thankful for what I do have, be cheerful and outgiong.  It seems those days are becoming fewer and farther between.  Yes Matchbox 20, I do need to get back to good.  Thanks for noticing.  I don't really know why I am feeling this way but it's crawling all over me today.

  Today feels like a day that would be fit for a big pile of poop.  Every single one of my insecurities are out for everyone to poke and prod, to tickle with their pointy fingers.  Every wrinkle on my face, dimple on my butt, failed attempt at something, crumb of my muffin top, inch of my stupid chicken wings I now have on my arms hangs out there for all to see.  Like a giant billboard of fear and failure.  

Yes I am having a pity party and I am serving macaroons.  Macaroons that I tried to bake and failed miserably at.  

Snap out of it! 

This is turning EMO fast! 

Wait a second... where IS my black nail polish and eye liner anyway? 

MICHAEL?! 

It just REALLY sucks when people take advantage of your good intentions.  Major suckage.  I don't know why I want everyone to be happy.  I don't know why I believe that if you treat someone the way you want to be treated, that they will do the same.  What happened to just being nice to someone,  for the simple reason, "YOU WANT TO BE NICE!"  I try to teach the "golden rule" to my kids... oh crap, does that make me a liar now?  Am I setting me and them up for continual heart ache?

Liars bug the crap out me too.  I HATE to be lied to and my heart hurts when I lie.  I try not to lie, really I do.  If I am lying to someone it's almost a sure thing that they are lying to me too.  Is this human nature or am I a terrible person?  I like to think I am a good person but who doesn't?  I am pretty sure there aren't a lot of people who sit around and think, "I am going to be the crappiest person I can be today.  GO ME!" 

Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly
in Breakfast at Tiffany's

I really wish that I was as awesome as I think I am.  In reality I am just like everyone else... nothing special really.  Have you seen that video of 2 people in an elevator, one pretending to kill the other?  Well, I am not sure that I would save a stranger, but I would like to think that I would.  I am pretty sure I wouldn't be like the dude taking pictures of it but today it's a little if-ee.

  

Today I feel a lot like  Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's.  My favorite qoute from her is, "I'm like cat here, a no-name slob. We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us. We don't even belong to each other."  I think this perfectly sums up how I feel today.  I'm just a no name slob trying to live the life of a picture perfect true red blooded American.

       

I think the best thing to do is put myself in a timeout.  If I do that my next post will be much more chipper.....

Well a little more chipper anyway.

I bet you thought I forgot!

Hey YOU GUYS!  I bet you thought that I forgot a couple of munkeys!  Although that is a relative easy thing to do (6 kids in a crowded store = controlled chaos if you are lucky), I have not!  Score some serious mom points for me! 

Anyway...

Today I am going to talk about Michael.  Where should I start... hmm...

Michael is a Junior in high school this year and is pretty active.  He plays football, wrestles, and runs track but he digs football and track the most.  Michael is that quiet kid who just sits back and watches people.  You know, not anti social but watchful.  He likes the ladies and has a hard time picking just one.  I keep teasing him that eventually he will run out of girls to date at school.  (we live in a small town)

This kid never asks for anything.  NEVER!  We bought the older boys new laptops this summer but they had to pay us back.  Michael paid us back EARLY!  These are awesome skills to have!  Skills I wish I had when I was a teenager.  He uses this flip phone that is hanging on by shear luck and buys his own minutes for it.  I mean this phone in such bad shape I am afraid it will electrocute him one day.  It doesn't even flip anymore, it just flops.

He recently went to town to try to buy some new running shoes and new spikes.  He came home empty handed because there is no way he can afford to buy them on a minimum wage, part time job.  He has never once asked for us to buy them.  For football season he was going to wear cleats that were nearly to the duct tape stage!  Scott and I were out one day and decided to buy the kid some cleats.  (Luckily through my superior shopping skills, AKA: Luck, we found a great pair for a good price)  We got lucky again with the spikes because we found PUMA spikes for next to nothing!  I told Michael, "You don't have to pay me back."  He asked, "Why not?"  I said, "Because I said so!" He just looked at me, shook his head, and said, "OK..."   

He wants to be a Marine.  I have mixed feelings about that... It's awesome that he wants to volunteer to help keep us safe so that we can do what we do but PEOPLE WILL SHOOT AT HIM!  Scott is an ex-Marine and I am pretty sure that is why Michael wants to do it.  I think Michael would make a great solider but PEOPLE WILL SHOOT AT HIM! 

Ultimately it is his decision because it is his future.

PEOPLE WILL SHOOT AT HIM!