I go to bed every night thinking about what I could have done differently. I think about where I failed and where I succeeded. Some days I really screw up as a mom. I mean REALLY screw up. Then I go to bed thinking, "I have warped my children for life!"
I haven't forgotten one yet....
YET!
I don't always give that special "atta boy" and sometimes I miss when a hug is all that was needed. I don't mean to, life gets in the way. As I reflect over the day I see that fleeting crushed look when I said something that came out to harsh and didn't give that hug. I see that look and my heart breaks.
Sometimes I don't tell one of my kids that they are super special when they need it the most. Surrounded by the darkness I see the look of self doubt in my child's eyes projecting on my ceiling. Shining like the brightest star in the sky. I can't help but see this and know that I failed.
Then there are times when I yell at the perpetrator of a spilled drink and fail to realize it was only an accident. I see a huge mess to clean up and not the immediate look of apology. When I close my eyes at night I see that look, the look of big, sad, pleading eyes and it haunts my dreams.
On those days I really screw up.
TOTALLY!
I have to believe that because I sit and reflect on what I could have done better, I am a good mom. Or an aspiring good mom anyway... I have to believe that those precious moments when I bring my "A" game count more than those when I totally dropped the ball. I love my kids more than they will ever know. Old, new, borrowed, blue... I love them and I hope that someday they will look back and say, "You know she wasn't always perfect but at least she always tried."
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